{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"68759190","dateCreated":"1405633069","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68759190"},"dateDigested":1532428318,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Take Three","description":"I'm impressed with your self-revisions. Sometimes it's hard to go back and look at our work. This wiki is great because you have others to help guide you and look at it objectively as well. I think it might give your essay a stronger start if you changed two things at the beginning: remove "momentarily" and "extremely." It seems counter-intuitive, but sometimes less adverbs is actually more. What I mean by that is this: saying you were nervous becomes like an understatement. You could follow it up (and I think you do somewhere?) with "palms sweating, I grabbed a bat..." You are showing the audience that you are nervous instead of telling them. Here's the excerpt:
\n I knew what was about to happen. My first tryout of the new baseball season was about to be underway momentarily and I was extremely nervous...","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68753138","dateCreated":"1405559547","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68753138"},"dateDigested":1532428319,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Rolling Greens","description":"I love the idea of a concert wrapping up the day here. Great personification:
\nPeople are laughing, the mowers mowing
\nAnd a concert raps up the day
\nHave you read Rolling Greens out loud? Are the "q" sounds tripping you up at all in the beginning?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68752888","dateCreated":"1405556518","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"PasqualeDeMatteo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/PasqualeDeMatteo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68752888"},"dateDigested":1532428319,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Take Three","description":"There is a more engaging feel to the piece beginning at the tryout as you did in take 2 but I'd like to see you play with a way to still include the rush and excitement of getting there later on. Maybe as a reflection by the narrator? The urgency and importance of the moment really come through in the voice and that is great. Keep expanding on that. I'd love to hear more about the magic of baseball and the meaning of the game for you. Baseball is the ultimate writers' sport. Keep adding details and try to play around with some images that most of can't see from the stands. Let's hear the voice talk about the experience of being a great ball player. Keep writing!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74082688","body":"Yes, you are engaging with the reader more. The detail you added really gave this more dimension. The only thing I would consider changing is the repetition "no friends". You don't really need this part of the sentence " Being the only one without a friend there was hard because." By removing it, this part will have more emphasis " the responsibility relied solely on me" Just a suggestion. Otherwise, this piece is solid. Good work!","dateCreated":"1405722386","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74082698","body":"Oops! Sorry Max! I accidentally was revising your second draft! I see in your 3rd draft, you changed that part! Good job","dateCreated":"1405722469","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74082712","body":"I like that you learned from your experience, Max. I think learning lessons like this one really builds character. Keep up the good work!","dateCreated":"1405722566","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68749800","dateCreated":"1405528336","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68749800"},"dateDigested":1532428319,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"take three","description":"thoughts?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74058324","body":"To be honest with you, I liked take two better. And that's ok. I think the real meat of the piece takes place on the field, and so there's an immediacy with beginning your essay there. I really like the line in take three about understanding the presence of individuality in a team game. I think that's a real winner.","dateCreated":"1405550998","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74060268","body":"I liked two also. With this one, it seems like you might be playing a little bit with the words to see what of the first reflection you can save. If that is true, I can see why you might try it out, but your second draft's voice was really good, and I'd love to see you play with that voice more.","dateCreated":"1405562335","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74071344","body":"Love it! I think you combined the best of what you had going on in the other drafts. I like the "lump the size of texas" comparison - it's a great way show that it's big without having to come right out and say big. The quotation getting inside the heads of your competitors gives the reader a better sense of the emotional tension on the field. I like it.","dateCreated":"1405624148","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68749304","dateCreated":"1405524491","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"georgine12","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/georgine12","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68749304"},"dateDigested":1532428319,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"six room poem","description":"loved you rhyming!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74054356","body":"thanks","dateCreated":"1405528376","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68748818","dateCreated":"1405519679","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68748818"},"dateDigested":1532428319,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Reflective Essay","description":"Thoughts? Feedback? Ideas?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68748748","dateCreated":"1405519043","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68748748"},"dateDigested":1532428320,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Take Two","description":"Thoughts? Feedback? Ideas?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74054056","body":"Your second take is so much more engaging. Starting with the description of the field takes us there. You have the organization down; now you just need to add some more sensory details--instead of telling, show us. You say you were nervous. What does that look like? feel like? Consider adding some figurative language. For instance, you began to feel good about yourself when the coach noticed your skills--what did that feel like? Brainstorm some similes. In other words, try to be more concrete. You are off to a great start. :)","dateCreated":"1405526368","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"ReyDye","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/ReyDye","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74060300","body":"I liked how in the first paragraph you mentioned the part of the coaches talking to each other before they agreed to getting started. I could completely imagine the feeling of waiting around for them to get things going. And then, in the second paragraph you have the players talking, and saying, "Who's that guy?" Those two little sentences say so much more than just the words. I could see it. Great job!","dateCreated":"1405562540","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68733340","dateCreated":"1405352982","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68733340"},"dateDigested":1532428320,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Camera Piece","description":"Thoughts? Feedback? Concerns?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74024256","body":"really good job of bringing us down to the little details.","dateCreated":"1405353674","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"YWAMS_Rachna","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/YWAMS_Rachna","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74047710","body":"I think I know where this dry creek bed is. :) You do have some good details about shape, size and color. I like how the rocks seemed to have two different "stories" about them. That would be a cool part to show us.","dateCreated":"1405487310","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68732622","dateCreated":"1405349383","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68732622"},"dateDigested":1532428320,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Six word Memoir","description":"Thoughts? Feedback?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74025166","body":"I really like how you put the period after each word of your memoir. It made it feel like the words were solid enough to stand on their own, and like they had a force about them. Do you think the words in the image add to the strength of your words? My first impression was that an image without words would better support your words, but I wonder what you or others think.","dateCreated":"1405360001","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74030028","body":"Wendy, I agree. I don't think Max needs the image. An icon might be better, or nothing at all.","dateCreated":"1405385876","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74031274","body":"I agree with you two. The image seems repetitive instead of supportive. Maybe use an image that represents these words to you?","dateCreated":"1405391773","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68732428","dateCreated":"1405347835","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68732428"},"dateDigested":1532428321,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Rambling Bio","description":"Feedback and thoughts on the ideas? Am i missing a point or a detail that I could expand on?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74022774","body":"Great imagery in your piece. really felt like i was at a baseball field.","dateCreated":"1405347964","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"YWAMS_Rachna","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/YWAMS_Rachna","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74022896","body":"Max, you did a great job at writing at what I like to call "the top of the ladder." It's the place where we get the big idea or the big picture, and not everyone can get there. I think your love of baseball is a real gift to you as a writer because it's full of lessons about life and metaphor. There's a whole philosophy of baseball you could use in just about any essay you write.","dateCreated":"1405348927","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"ReyDye","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/ReyDye","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74023028","body":"Mrs. S made the above comment :) I have a suggestion for how you can start to move down the "ladder" she mentions: consider adding some imagery details. For instance, you mention the smells of the ballpark. Take us there by being more specific. Even if your piece is more about the philosophy of baseball than the experience, sensory details help to draw your reader in.","dateCreated":"1405349597","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"ReyDye","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/ReyDye","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74028290","body":"I really like how you mentioned the mental side to the game. The need to control emotions and make correct decisions - they're like a 6th tool for a ball player. Did you play baseball growing up? I assume so, and here's a few questions to think about when looking to expand: When did you start to notice the mental side of the game? Do you remember ever thinking, "this is more than just a game"? What was your mindset like during a game? You definitely don't have to answer all (or any) of them, they're just food for thought. Keep bringing the love. Your feelings for the game add a lot of strength to the piece.","dateCreated":"1405375531","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74030088","body":"To me, this seems like a personification piece. Baseball takes on more human qualities than it ever has before. The love is mutual for the author: he loves baseball and baseball, in turn, offers him comfort, familiarity, entertainment, a source of self-esteem, etc. Matthew's comment about when did you realize there is a strategic element to the game made me think of the juggler who read an essay on how (physically) he juggled. He couldn't juggle for years after that. Did the mechanical side of the game ever make it less fun? Did the politics or any unfair practices ever get in the way?","dateCreated":"1405386256","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]}],"more":false},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}