{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"68758922","dateCreated":"1405629777","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68758922"},"dateDigested":1532428362,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Third Time is certainly the charm!","description":"Good job on editing! This a solid piece of work. You made the piece warm and personal. Your growth as a writer in the last week is impressive. The quote you used in the last paragraph applies. You created a piece that certainly allowed the reader to climb in your skin and walk around. We felt your misery in the beginning and your sense of accomplishment towards the end. You are very talented.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74074214","body":"I agree. This is a significantly improved narrative. The mood and the voice are easy to see and feel for the reader. I love the addition of the journey the narrator takes as the story goes on. The only thing I'd like to see more of is details about the surroundings. Keep it up.","dateCreated":"1405647986","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"PasqualeDeMatteo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/PasqualeDeMatteo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74075364","body":"This piece has come a long way. It's been nice seeing your voice develop and take shape. Also, well done including the Atticus Finch quote to close things out. Classic!","dateCreated":"1405655786","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74077284","body":"100% agreed! Fantastic progression and awesome closing. Loved the Atticus Finch line to close - nice, polished, thought-provoking.","dateCreated":"1405680955","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68752838","dateCreated":"1405555976","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"PasqualeDeMatteo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/PasqualeDeMatteo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68752838"},"dateDigested":1532428362,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Connections in writing","description":"I see some great work here. I especially like the story of adversity in the rambling autobiography. I visualize a connection between that piece and your six room poem. I can feel the tension and the struggle being experienced by the narrator in both pieces. You've creating a strong voice already but I'd like to see even more development on the emotions from the narrator. I want to know more about what goes on in the mind of a competitor. Keep up the great work.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68749430","dateCreated":"1405525676","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"ReyDye","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/ReyDye","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68749430"},"dateDigested":1532428362,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Take Two","description":"The snacks would have to be AWESOME to get me to go to math club ;). Seriously, I really like the improvements you made with your rewrite. I would like to hear more about why you kept coming back--it has to be more than having nothing better to do between school and soccer. You found you were a small fish in a big pond--everyone experiences that from time to time, but what did YOU gain from persevering? What did you learn and or gain from the experience and the other math students? I'm assuming you learned more math, but what did you learn about yourself or about others?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74057994","body":"Ben, man, great job on the re-writes. I see substantial progress from draft to draft. I want to second the desire for more personal detail on your growth. It definitely is a good story of perseverance and eventual success, but I really want to know what specifically that growth helped you with outside of math stuff.","dateCreated":"1405549230","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74059380","body":"Ben, I loved your setup in the first paragraph! Your narrative flows very naturally and you really drew me into your world. I also enjoyed your snippet of dialogue: "Dude, that was sooo easy." Dialogue, even used minimally, is an excellent way to keep your reader sticking with you. I agree with Matthew, however, about expanding your turning point. The second paragraph feels rushed and you lose some of the personal connection you established early on in the piece.","dateCreated":"1405556828","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74071970","body":"I agree with Matthew and Stephen. The last paragraph seems to be rushed, but you do have some great ideas that you can develop. I want to hear about how your fellow math students helped you and what are somethings you learned in math team. Tell us about a specific turning point or maybe an event that you enjoyed. The strength in the first paragraph is the scene that you created. Try that creating that same thing in the second paragraph.","dateCreated":"1405628489","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68749220","dateCreated":"1405523689","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"georgine12","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/georgine12","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68749220"},"dateDigested":1532428363,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"six room poem","description":"you did a really good job of describing the sculpture","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74060696","body":"I thought so, too. I liked how you described it externally and internally. You showed me what it looked like on the outside, but you always gave me feeling words, like in the fear of him falling or "lofty." Nice job!","dateCreated":"1405564601","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74070998","body":"Ben, I really like your second line here, "What if he falls?" I think that it carries a lot of emotion in it, from curiosity to bewilderment to fear. I think that you could emphasize this line a little bit more by changing the punctuation mark at the end of the first line. Play around with it a little, trying out a dash, a colon, an ellipses, or anything that seems to give it a bit more emphasis to you. Finding ways to emphasize good lines is a nice spot to be in. It means your work is already connecting with the reader.","dateCreated":"1405622342","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74072064","body":"Hey Ben. I really liked this piece, especially the the last stanza. It is ambiguous and makes the reader pause and think. The repetition of "On top of the world," creates continuity in the poem. It is interesting that your lack of verbs actually makes it seem like the moment is frozen or perhaps paused. Great effect, especially because you are describing a sculpture.","dateCreated":"1405629152","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74075440","body":"Well composed poem, Ben. My first time reading through it I thought you might be opening each stanza with a quote from Jack in the movie "Titanic." If you don't get that reference it's ok...it just means that I'm older than I want to believe. I agree with Matthew to experiment with some punctuation. It could really work well to give your poem more rhetorical pop and make it jump off the page aesthetically.","dateCreated":"1405656260","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68746832","dateCreated":"1405485527","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68746832"},"dateDigested":1532428364,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Six Word Memoir","description":"Hi, Ben.
\nI was reading over your pieces tonight, and something struck me about the Six Word Memoir that I didn't notice last night, and it is a quality that I really like. You've created an unidentified voice. I wondered, "Is that Ben telling himself or is that someone else telling him to play hard or go home?" It could go either way. Thanks for giving me something to think about.
\nKeep up the great work!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68742498","dateCreated":"1405449068","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68742498"},"dateDigested":1532428364,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Extra Rough draft college application essay","description":"Great job and excellent topic for this type of essay. I have a suggestion on wording. Can you change below (last sentence) to: "part of a four man team that placed..." or "four student team" etc.:
\n so that I was one of the four members of the team that placed 4th at the state competition.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74040186","body":"Ben, I'm intrigued by your mention of engineering. Is problem solving similar to engineering in any other ways? Did that similarity make math team any more intimidating?
\nI really the way that you move from one idea to the next. This progression gives your essay a smooth flow. I think you might be able to make that flow even stronger if you take a look at how times you use 'I' as the subject of your sentences. Try playing with different subjects and see what it does to the way your essay reads\/sounds.","dateCreated":"1405449649","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74045778","body":"Great suggestions Katie and Matthew. I agree with both of these guys, Ben. P.S. Matthew and I were both on Math team in high school too. I can definitely relate to your essay. I remember being sort of lost when I first went to the competitions, but I gradually got better and absorbed the concepts like you did.","dateCreated":"1405477333","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68732500","dateCreated":"1405348825","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"BenMcKinzey","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/BenMcKinzey","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68732500"},"dateDigested":1532428364,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Rambling Autobiography","description":"Feedback and stuff appreciated.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74023048","body":"I like the end part of the autobiography: how instead of receiving punishment for losing, you instead get a pat on the back. it really does beg question.","dateCreated":"1405349730","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Omkarkale1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Omkarkale1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74024522","body":"I totally agree! You painted the image of the coach so well that the pat was a twist that I didn't expect. It had a redeeming quality about it. Great choice!","dateCreated":"1405355714","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74027938","body":"I was a soccer keeper too. I know, man. My favorite part of this story is the presence of the unexpected. Your audience doesn't expect an autobiography to consist of one anecdote, they don't expect an athlete to recount the sound of an ice cream truck, and they don't expect the coach to respond the way he does. The title and content are their own things, but do you think there's a way to connect the sound of the truck to your surprise at your coach's actions? Maybe through the way you felt about them?","dateCreated":"1405373801","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74030846","body":"This is a solid piece of writing. By drawing into your personal experience and giving us a play by play of the scene, you allowed the reader to experience the same feelings and emotions that you felt during than moment.
\n
\n "...my world was filled with sound. I could hear the excitement of the opposing team, the disappointment of my team, the shouting of the fans, and even the far off music of the ice cream truck. The only person who was silent was my coach."
\n
\nLiked the comparison you drew between the rest of the world and your coach... Good writing technique.","dateCreated":"1405390025","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74030844","body":"This is a solid piece of writing. By drawing into your personal experience and giving us a play by play of the scene, you allowed the reader to experience the same feelings and emotions that you felt during than moment.
\n
\n "...my world was filled with sound. I could hear the excitement of the opposing team, the disappointment of my team, the shouting of the fans, and even the far off music of the ice cream truck. The only person who was silent was my coach."
\n
\nLiked the comparison you drew between the rest of the world and your coach... Good writing technique.","dateCreated":"1405390025","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68732498","dateCreated":"1405348807","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"ReyDye","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/ReyDye","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68732498"},"dateDigested":1532428365,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Rambling Autobiography","description":"Ben, you did a great job exploding a moment and using slow-mo to bring your reader into your experience. By layering in the sounds you heard (close and far off) you created a sense of silence from your coach. You could certainly use this piece as an anecdote for a longer essay that focuses on a broader theme. Think about lessons learned from the experience. Maybe there is something there. I enjoyed reading it.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74022940","body":"The imagery made me feel like I was at the game in your shoes, feeling your exact emotions.","dateCreated":"1405349113","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"maxdemel1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/maxdemel1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74022952","body":"I think this is super well written. I loved the way that you described the weather and the feeling of guilt you had. I felt very in your shoes and could see everything around you. Great job.","dateCreated":"1405349183","smartDate":"Jul 14, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"audreygjohnson","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/audreygjohnson","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]}],"more":false},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}