{"content":{"sharePage":{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"68762384","dateCreated":"1405691075","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"larkhonrine","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/larkhonrine","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68762384"},"dateDigested":1532428365,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Third Draft from a thespian's point of view","description":"I warn to preface the suggest about to follow as what they are, suggestions. This is a very strong piece and I only found a couple type-o errors, everything else is just suggestions to "fine tune" an already strong essay.
\n
\n
\n1. In the second line, should "Something" be "Sometimes"? It works both ways, so I just wanted too point it out in case you were meaning the one way, but wrote another.
\n
\n2. Possibly drop "I think of the cold war." And go straight to "No Iron Curtain..." I suggest this only because "the Iron Curtain" is a powerful image and really doesn't need a set up.
\n
\n3. In the 4th paragraph, I love how you are emphasizing the friends who now actually family. I was thinking that shortening the sentence might drive home the importance of this realization. "Silhouettes of friends, not friends - family."
\n
\n4. Same paragraph, second line, looks like there was some editing that took place and words weren't deleted: "My face is in caught in someone's..." You probably just need to remove the first "in"
\n
\n5. Paragraph 5 - if above, you were wanting to emphasize that these dancers are not just friends, but Family, you may want to change "my heart jumps for my friends" to something more familiar, like family, sisters, or siblings in order to remain consistent with your statement above.
\n
\n6. 7th paragraph - is the stage heaven? If so, it did lose some clarity in the word choices here. You may want to try: "For a moment, I wonder, but then my eyes adjust and I'm able to make out the soft curves on faces and straight lines jaws. It's then I realize I'm already there...Heaven.
\n
\n7. The 4th line in the next paragraph, should "they" be "the"?
\n
\n8. Similar to other posts regarding you last line, I have a suggestion that may clarify your intention. It seems to me, that in reality you agree with what Shakespeare meant:
\n
\n"All the world\u2019s a stage,
\nAnd all the men and women merely players;
\nThey have their exits and their entrances,
\nAnd one man in his time plays many parts..."
\n
\nIt seems to me, you feel (and I agree, I might add) that the world being a stage is the place where we have to put on our fake personas and when we're on stage we are our true selves.
\n
\nIf this is the message you want to convey, you can change the line to:
\n"All the world' a stage," but the stage is my home.
\n
\nAgain, this is an amazing Job.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74078076","body":"Great suggestions, and from a fellow thespian! Speaking for those of us out here in the Wiki world, we can't wait to see the final drafts!","dateCreated":"1405691767","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68755902","dateCreated":"1405606137","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68755902"},"dateDigested":1532428366,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Six Room Poem","description":"Fantastic descriptive language! You juxtapose your images very nicely to create a mysterious atmosphere. Just one small spelling correction: "Back and FORTH"","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74075520","body":"This is another suggestion I should have made yesterday: "It shakes still back and forth" reads a bit clumsily. All you need to do is change the word order, "Still it shakes back and forth." Once again, really great poem!","dateCreated":"1405656621","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74077264","body":"I see what Mr. Via is saying, unless you are playing with the word "still." If you want still to have two meanings: still as continuing to happen and simultaneously, still as in not moving, then you would need to leave it where it is. In my opinion either way works because I read it as having two meanings and wasn't tripped up on it.","dateCreated":"1405680666","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68755484","dateCreated":"1405602862","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"audreygjohnson","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/audreygjohnson","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68755484"},"dateDigested":1532428366,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Thank You","description":"Thank y'all so much for all the amazing feedback. It's really helped me to edit my work and understand the readers perspective from my story :)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74077240","body":"You are very welcome! Keep writing. It is most definitely a doorway for you.","dateCreated":"1405680194","smartDate":"Jul 18, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68753278","dateCreated":"1405560978","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68753278"},"dateDigested":1532428366,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Six Room Poem","description":"A sad, quiet creaking
\nThis is a great line. It's difficult to describe sounds sometimes, I find. An empty swing is certainly sad and lonely, and inviting. Also, it's sad because we are no longer children. Swings evoke a lot of memories, both good and bad.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74071856","body":""Laziness and feet on tables
\nSlowly rocking back and fourth"
\nThese lines remind me of those moments in which you escape from the world and just reflect. Relaxed and reflective in a hidden place of solitude.
\nDark and lonely are reflected in this piece as well. Good work.","dateCreated":"1405627836","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68753052","dateCreated":"1405558608","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68753052"},"dateDigested":1532428366,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Take Three","description":"This is a really fantastic piece, Audrey! You have a great sense of action and imagery. I only have a few minor corrections\/suggestions to offer:
\n-In the first paragraph do mean "eager" instead of "egger?"
\n- Suggestion: We don\u2019t listen to our director introduce the show. We don\u2019t have to.
\n- "More sweaty high fives and being wrapped in the arms of costumes." Great imagery here but you're conjoining to dependent clauses. Reworking this into a functioning sentence or two will help the flow.
\n-"That, coupled with bubbling nerves, racing hearts, and nausea makes me think I'm dying." Determine what "that" is referring to. The moment? The burning sensation?
\n-"I'm only myself when I'm someone else. A china doll that came to life through frilly costumes and curled hair, big smiles and sad eyes framed with thick fake eyelashes the color of coal." Be careful to maintain consistent verb tense in this sentence i.e "A china doll that comes to life..."
\n- "It likes to stay and linger as the soft huffs of colored smoke from an already exploded firework." I would consider replacing "as" with "like." I get the feeling your going for a simile here. I hope so because it's an awesome picture! The "as," however, is a bit confusing. I know that I don't typically prefer to use the same word twice in a sentence (likes, like) but here I think it works!
\n
\nOnce again, this is a dynamic piece with a ton of potential. All it needs is some polishing! Keep up the good work!","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74060856","body":"This piece is awesome! Your progression to these words and this full picture is fantastic. I hope you can see how the subtle changes you've made have drawn us in closer and showed us the thrilling dichotomy of the stage. Thanks!","dateCreated":"1405565364","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74070918","body":"I the bit that was added at the end. I especially like how you conclude with WS's famous quote and then respond with such a simple, matter-of-fact disagreement. Your words and imagery beforehand make your argument. You need nothing else. The last line is a neat little instance of why punctuation is important. There are actually three possible meanings there:
\nThe stage is all the worlds - the stage is composed of all of the different worlds
\nThe stage is all the world's - the stage belongs to the whole world
\nThe stage is all the worlds' - the stage belongs to all of the different worlds","dateCreated":"1405621733","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74071820","body":"As always your creativity and ability to express yourself is inspiring to me. I love this piece. The progression from your first draft to this final draft is impressive. I really think you have a talent. The imagery you've added really did the trick to creating a visually stunning piece.","dateCreated":"1405627440","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74074130","body":"We can all see the progression here from the early drafts. The imagery is great. I love your twist on Shakespeare at the end. mbacorn is right about the punctuation choice in that final line. There are some fun choices to make there about what you want to say. It might be interesting to play with the line a few different times in the piece with different punctuation. Great work already.","dateCreated":"1405647500","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"PasqualeDeMatteo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/PasqualeDeMatteo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74075332","body":"That's an outstanding conclusion! I'm with everybody here and love the use of Shakespeare's famous metaphor. Flipping it was a brilliant move and truly thought provoking. Excellent work!","dateCreated":"1405655530","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Mr.Via","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Mr.Via","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68752796","dateCreated":"1405555692","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"PasqualeDeMatteo","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/PasqualeDeMatteo","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68752796"},"dateDigested":1532428367,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"six room poem","description":"I love the image of light dancing all around. Keep working with personification and other tools. You've given the reader a glimpse of something special here and I can't wait to read more. Thanks.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68749196","dateCreated":"1405523594","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"georgine12","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/georgine12","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68749196"},"dateDigested":1532428367,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"six word peom","description":"really liked your description. Are they the metal chairs?","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68749158","dateCreated":"1405523341","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"ReyDye","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/ReyDye","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68749158"},"dateDigested":1532428367,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Take Two","description":"Your rewrite took you in an interesting direction. I especially like your description of how people want to categorize others, how they want to "put you in a little striped bin like a toy or a scarf or muddy rain boots." Such a cool image and so true! Suggestion: consider combining the two pieces. :)","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74057924","body":"I think the combination turned out great! I'm really impressed. As an interesting little experiment, maybe consider how people changing over time could cause the characters in a script to change over time as well. Again, excellent work. Your descriptive images are detailed without being too much, and original enough to be interesting without losing the meaning of familiarity.","dateCreated":"1405548905","smartDate":"Jul 16, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74071786","body":""I am only myself when I am someone else." Such a great first line. I love how you really get to the heart of being human. The changeability of being human and the need to be someone else or something different are pressures that impact a person in a variety of ways. You showed your understanding of these conditions through your writing. It would be interesting to maybe draw a comparison to how we might be actors in our daily life. On and off the stage.","dateCreated":"1405627112","smartDate":"Jul 17, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]},{"id":"68742520","dateCreated":"1405449210","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"mbacorn","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/mbacorn","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68742520"},"dateDigested":1532428367,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Essay Draft","description":"You've done a great job setting a scene with what is quickly becoming trademark detail. Specific descriptions bring your world to life without bogging down the pace. That's not an easy thing do.
\nI was a little confused by the shifting perspective in the first few lines. You bounce back and forth between 'I' statements and 'you' statements, and it took me a moment to situate myself within the narrative because of it. I understand that you are trying to have your reader identify with the narrator's feelings. In the interest of showing rather than telling, I want to challenge you to gain that identification by your description alone. With the right words, we'll all know exactly what feeling you mean.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[],"more":0}]},{"id":"68742472","dateCreated":"1405448896","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"katieharrison1","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/katieharrison1","imageUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/pic\/1405257025\/katieharrison1-lg.jpg"},"monitored":false,"locked":false,"links":{"self":"https:\/\/writelikeacamera.wikispaces.com\/share\/view\/68742472"},"dateDigested":1532428367,"startDate":null,"sharedType":"discussion","title":"Essay Draft","description":"Audrey, this is very well done. I love all the detail in the second paragraph and the smell\/image of campfire. I don't think you need "only much less calm" at the end:
\n
\nIt\u2019s a nauseous sort of feeling, that hollow heavy pit of nervousness and fatigue. You know it. I know. It\u2019s sickeningly familiar. Something, that feeling, sifts to the bottom of your stomach and makes your heart pant, egger and anxious with fear and with fright. We don\u2019t listen to our director introduce the show, we don\u2019t have to. Instead we exchange preshow hugs, clammy high fives, and kisses on the cheek. The question, \u201cAre you nervous?\u201d and the lie of an answer, \u201cNah,\u201d is ping-ponged through back stage.
\n The curtain draws back, gracefully gliding into the wings. I think of the cold war. No Iron Curtain could be as heavy as the one in front of me. The music begins our cue to gavotte on stage. The air is frigid and the lights are hot. Hot like summertime, like campfires, like the freshly brewed coffee in the hands of our stage manager. There\u2019s music and there\u2019s dancing and costumes swish back and forth like ocean waves only much less calm.","replyPages":[{"page":0,"digests":[{"id":"74045650","body":"I agree with Katie on the "only much less calm".
\n
\nWell thought out ideas. I would say maybe consider putting another 'it' here: "It\u2019s a nauseous sort of feeling, that hollow heavy pit of nervousness and fatigue. You know it. I know 'it'. It\u2019s sickeningly familiar "
\n
\nGreat use of the dialogue --"Are you nervous?\u201d and the lie of an answer, \u201cNah,\u201d is ping-ponged through back stage."
\nYou used some really nice imagery and similes.
\n
\nWell done!","dateCreated":"1405477075","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"elisabethallen8","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/elisabethallen8","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}},{"id":"74047320","body":"Hi, Audrey.
\nYou are doing such a great job with practicing the focusing of your lens in on a scene. I would say you have a "natural eye" for it, meaning you see the scene with your words the way a videographer sees with her lens. I'm excited to see how you continue to sharpen that eye.
\nAlso, thank you for teaching me "gavotte." And, if you are taking votes, I kind of like the idea that costumes are much less calm than waves. When you get to that point of deciding, I wonder if a dash would help the phrase hold the meaning you were intending. I looked up to see what Grammar Girl says (love her), and she suggests, "Dashes can also be used like commas or parentheses to set off a part of a sentence that is an aside" (Fogarty 123). Not sure if that was what you were going for, but it is food for thought.
\nHope you are having fun!","dateCreated":"1405485020","smartDate":"Jul 15, 2014","userCreated":{"username":"Ms.WendyV","url":"https:\/\/www.wikispaces.com\/user\/view\/Ms.WendyV","imageUrl":"https:\/\/ssl.wikicdn.com\/i\/user_none_lg.jpg"}}],"more":0}]}],"more":true},"comments":[]},"http":{"code":200,"status":"OK"},"redirectUrl":null,"javascript":null,"notices":{"warning":[],"error":[],"info":[],"success":[]}}